I'm Going To See It There So I Don't Have To See It At Home

I've decided to see all my movies at the movie theater. Why? Simple: I need to see them there so I don't have to see them at home. And that should be all the reason I need, I think, and all the reason any of you need, as well. Do it There so you Don't have to Do It at Home. This is the rationale behind many of the things we do, isn't it? Restaurants, for example. We Eat it There so we Don't have to Eat It at Home.

Although Some of you bring home Doggie Bags, something that appeases the Enemy, no doubt.

We need to expand this philosophy to as many things as we can. Sure, we already have our dogs Crap on Someone Else's Lawn so they Don't have to Do It at Home. That's a great start. But can't we do the same with our trash? Dump it in Someone Else's Yard so we Don't have to Dump It at Home? (Actually, we already do that, but we call the place we dump the trash a "land fill.") Still, there's a universe of unexplored ideas:

• Date Someone Else's Spouse so you Don't Have to Date your Own

I originally called this idea "Date Someone Else's Wife..." but I realized that this was a sexist approach, one which would limit the full impact. I believe this idea is self-explanatory.

• Beat Someone Else's Kid so you Don't Have to Beat your Own

How many of you have become so angered by something your children have done that you've been tempted to use force? More than a few of you, I'd bet. But restraint is called for in situations like this. Still, that leaves you with a nasty and unfulfilled urge, one which could be satisfied by a ready supply of other people's children. We wouldn't want to use our fine young American children for this purpose, so I'm thinking we could import children from some other country, some underdeveloped country. And the beatings would no doubt be a liberating experience, so we would be "spreading freedom" at the same time.

Those are all the ideas I have for now, but I'm sure that some of you can come up with a few dandies on your own. Let me know what you come up with !