What did Hastert Know and When did he Know It?

Here's a thought: If the Republicans could protect America as well as they protect pedophiles, the attacks on 9/11 would never have been successful.

I'm just sayin'.

Heckuva Job, Georgie

Today, the S&P 500 Index closed at a 5-1/2 year high.

Let me rephrase that: Today, the S&P 500 Index finally recovered to where it stood in March of 2001.

That's March of 2001. George W. Bush had been President since January of that year, and has been President ever since. And the stock market, which was tanking already, has taken 5 and one half years to recover. Five and one half years.

Remember all that talk about tax cuts and how those tax cuts were going to spur the economy?

Five and one half years later, we're back where we started. We're at square one. If you had an investment of $100 back in 2001, it's finally worth $100 again.

If you had stuck that $100 under your mattress, you'd be in exactly the same position.

George W. Bush: His Economic Policies are No Worse than Your Mattress. Heckuva slogan, isn't it?

Five and one half years, and we're back where we started. Well, back where we started minus the surplus from the Clinton years, and minus the... what, $1.2 trillion?

At least the wealthy are paying less in taxes. That sure helps take the sting out of all those flat 401k plans.

Heckuva job, Georgie.

It's Only Bad If They Do It

On March 19, 2003, George W. Bush declared war against Iraq and sent in American troops to... well, we're not really sure. And, as it turns out, George W. Bush can't actually declare war. Only Congress can. But George did declare that he had the right to "pre-emptively attack" any country that he perceived to be a threat. And we all know what a perceptive guy George W. Bush is.

OK, so we now have a Bush doctrine, even if Bush himself can't really pronounce all the words in the doctrine. So what I want to know is this: On December 7, 1941, the Japanese Empire saw a threat and acted to contain it. They attacked Pearl Harbor, an American territory, and declared war on the United States.

The consensus opinions of Americans everywhere is (and was) that this was a Bad Thing.

I believe Germany did the same thing when they invaded Poland. They saw what they perceived to be a threat, and they acted. We also held, at the time and probably now, that this was a Bad Thing. When the Germans invaded Russia, Russia loudly proclaimed that this was a Bad Thing.

So as far as I can tell, it has always been a Bad Thing for one nation to say "Hey! You looked at me funny! I'm-a comin' to git ya!" And in general, if the country being invaded ends up winning the conflict, they punish the country that had exercised their "pre-emptive war" option.

So, again I ask: Why was it Bad for Japan to invade us -- aside from the fact that it was us, and we really don't like being invaded -- but OK for us to invade Iraq?

How come it was OK for us to invade Iraq because they "possessed weapons of mass destruction" while we ourselves possess weapons of mass destruction?

How come it was OK for us to invade Iraq because Saddam was a "bad guy" who tortured people when the President of the United States has ordered that people be tortured, and is currently lobbying on behalf of a bill that will make it legal for him to order that lots more people get tortured?

How come it was OK for us to invade Iraq because Saddam was "killing innocent civilians" even though we have killed far more innocent civilians than he did?

How come it was OK for us to invade Iraq because Saddam had "rape rooms" when we seem to have the same thing ourselves?

I'm lost here, really. Saddam inflicted outrages on the Iraqi people -- at least, those Iraqi people who were his enemies -- and we're inflicting outrages on the Iraqi people. The main difference here is that we're much more efficient at inflicting outrages on the Iraqi people, especially those who happen to think that fresh water, gasoline, and electricity are Good Things, and that being able to safely walk the streets is a Good Thing, and that not being shot simply because you're a Sunni living in the Shiite section, or a Shiite living in the Sunni section is a Good Thing.

100 Iraqis a day are being murdered. At this rate, the entire country should be dead before too long, all thanks to the generosity of George W. Bush.

I'm Going To See It There So I Don't Have To See It At Home

I've decided to see all my movies at the movie theater. Why? Simple: I need to see them there so I don't have to see them at home. And that should be all the reason I need, I think, and all the reason any of you need, as well. Do it There so you Don't have to Do It at Home. This is the rationale behind many of the things we do, isn't it? Restaurants, for example. We Eat it There so we Don't have to Eat It at Home.

Although Some of you bring home Doggie Bags, something that appeases the Enemy, no doubt.

We need to expand this philosophy to as many things as we can. Sure, we already have our dogs Crap on Someone Else's Lawn so they Don't have to Do It at Home. That's a great start. But can't we do the same with our trash? Dump it in Someone Else's Yard so we Don't have to Dump It at Home? (Actually, we already do that, but we call the place we dump the trash a "land fill.") Still, there's a universe of unexplored ideas:

• Date Someone Else's Spouse so you Don't Have to Date your Own

I originally called this idea "Date Someone Else's Wife..." but I realized that this was a sexist approach, one which would limit the full impact. I believe this idea is self-explanatory.

• Beat Someone Else's Kid so you Don't Have to Beat your Own

How many of you have become so angered by something your children have done that you've been tempted to use force? More than a few of you, I'd bet. But restraint is called for in situations like this. Still, that leaves you with a nasty and unfulfilled urge, one which could be satisfied by a ready supply of other people's children. We wouldn't want to use our fine young American children for this purpose, so I'm thinking we could import children from some other country, some underdeveloped country. And the beatings would no doubt be a liberating experience, so we would be "spreading freedom" at the same time.

Those are all the ideas I have for now, but I'm sure that some of you can come up with a few dandies on your own. Let me know what you come up with !