Programmers Abandon Global Variables!

One surprising development arising from the recent Presidential Debates has been the near-universal decision of American programmers to forsake the use of global variables. This follows a statement by John Kerry that any decision to engage in preemptive war must pass a global test "where your countrymen, your people understand fully why you're doing what you're doing and you can prove to the world that you did it for legitimate reasons."

Despite the apparent soundness of this argument, President Bush denounced the very idea of a global test, calling it a "dangerous outsourcing of our security." Because global variables are so ubiquitous in the coding world, the very notion that their use could lead to a weakening of American security struck a note of terror for many programmers. Others, of course -- most notably programmers working in India, China, and Russia, thanks to oursourced work -- were ambivalent.

Norman Sundergood, a free-lance programmer working from his home in Sioux City, Iowa, swore off global variables for good, saying "I guess I just won't use them any more. I mean, I used to think that 'global' meant 'not restricted in outlook or applicability,' like it could be used anywhere in my program. But, like, he's the President, man! Dude! So, I mean, like whoa! No way I can run the risk of the French hijaaking my code. The Japanese, maybe, but the French? I mean, have you ever smelled brie cheese?" French programmers and cheesemakers were unavailable for comment.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan did not say whether there were any plans to purchase a dictionary for the President, nor did he say whether the President had been simply making up definitions or had been consulting with third-graders.